How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Randomize
