I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
