He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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