Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
