all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize