so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
