Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
