I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize