Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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