note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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