shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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