On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
