nutella sex= disaster
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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