I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
