Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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