I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
