I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
