I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize