We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
