Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
a search helicopter?!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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