I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
