They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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