I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
