dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
