Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
