I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
