I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
