I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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