hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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