I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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