What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
