you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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