I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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