Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
