My friends, they love my intelligence
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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