Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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