I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
