God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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