You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
