i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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