Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
