You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
