I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
