drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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