you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
