omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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