i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
