Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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