lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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