You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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