quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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