I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize