I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
