My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
