Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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