My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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