He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
